INEXPLICABLE AND TOTALLY EXPLAINABLE
by Cathleen Freedman
I’m always in the market for a ludicrously capacious bag. It has to at least fit my flats for the subway, my lunch pail, and my camping accouterments. If I can’t slide it across the floor after a bank job, I don’t want it!
In high school, I tested the very seams of my L.L. Bean backpack. I'm not sure what I was trying to prove, but carrying a bag, to me, was a game of “How Much STUFF can I cram in here?” I often won. My stubbornness is strong, unlike my lumbar support. No offense to roller backpack kids, but I preferred to hold my bag the old-fashioned way. It's not only my school bags, though. This disturbing logic applies to my purses, too. I'm not a delicate handbag lady. I need at least an arm.
There is power in being able to carry the weight of the world in a purse. If Atlas were a little smarter, he’d put the world in a giant satchel and sling the accessory across his shoulder. I already do.
My bag is mythical. I joke that there's an entire apothecary inside of it, but really, there’s an entire galaxy in there. The interior pocket is its own planet. I’m surprised every time I put my hand in there. Honestly, I’m scared to plow the depths of my bag because I might find an ecosystem with a fully functioning economy and town hall.
Anyway, this line from the season premiere of Succession feels targeted, almost as if it were written about me. I wonder if I’ve ever walked past one of the writers on the street, and they thought to themselves, “Her bag is ridiculously spacious.” Then thought, “No, I can use fancier words,” and opened their online thesaurus and plundered the synonyms.
I have no doubt Tom would look at my bag and call me something blistering like… a slovenly swine who totes her own trough. Whatever. At least I have my laptop, two books, an emergency rain poncho, seventeen pens, three journals, five perfume vials, and two cough drop packs within reach at any given moment. What can he even fit in his pockets? A rejected Patek without the gift boxing? Lame.
So for anyone else who’d like to carry the weight of the world on their shoulder, here are my ludicrously capacious bag recommendations.
A hefty Happy Jackson tote bag.
(It's bigger than it looks/says it is.)
Crab and Cleek's boat and tote bags are better than your typical LL Bean ones because these are even MORE gigantic.
I have always wanted to get a Very Troubled Child Savanna bag. These may remind you of something from a Wes Anderson movie. How observant you are! These are literally the bags from The Darjeeling Limited. If you see me with one of these one day, give me a thumbs up. Having a VTC bag means I'm finally fulfilling my destiny.
Mary Poppins's carpet bag could fit an entire lamp. I'm not a jealous person, but this could make me change my ways!
Forget what I said about Mary Poppins's bag. Aggie Cromwell from
Halloweentown has THE ludicrously capacious bag. Her alligator purse can even carry itself around town. That's pretty magical. Infinite points to Gryffindor, if that's the house Debbie Reynolds was part of at Hogwarts.
My Apolis Market Bag is taller than I am.
My sense of humor is the Emma Bridgewater "Take an Old Bag Shopping" bag. My mom got me two.
Where can I find Santa's toy bag for sale? It looks like it might fit my stuff.